Monday, December 31, 2012

What a difference a year makes...

Last year I posted a blog bidding goodbye to 2011.  I suppose it only fitting that I post one to say farewell to 2012.

As I spoke of hope last year, that it would be my word for 2012, I was at one of my most hopeless times in my life.  A lot of 2012 was spent without any real hope.  A good portion of this year was spent floundering, trying to find my place in this world and find my direction.  I've struggled with clinical depression for a lot of years and went through most of them on my own - no medication, no nothing.  

I failed at many things this year, I failed people in many ways.  I failed many of the people who mean the most to me, the ones I hold most dear.

But I did do something I have always been terrible at - I asked for help.  

With that help, with that direction, I was able to salvage parts of me that I thought were gone forever.  I was able to work to repair things I believed unable to be salvaged.  

A year has taught me so many things about myself and about other people.  It's taught me who I am and who I want to be, who I can be.  

Last year I listed the people who I learned from in 2011.  This year I will list only two, not to say I only learned from two people because that would be incorrect.  I learn from everyone, every day of my life.  But these two people deserve the mention.  

Michael - who teaches me every day about patience and hard work and the simple joys of being 4 and 5.  He teaches me that I need to take the time out to be silly, to wrestle with a little kid.  He shows me who I want to be in being his mom.  

Aaron - who's taught me a million things but mainly about love and being loved in return.  

I've often spent my time fluctuating between thinking I'm completely imperfect and thinking I'm a superhero who can accomplish anything without asking for help.  I'm figuring out now that I really exist somewhere in between and that it's okay.  

I'm okay with letting 2012 go without looking back.  I'm grateful for the positives....and for some of the negatives, because without them, I wouldn't have learned a damn thing.  

As we usher this year out the door, I'm ready and willing to enter into 2013 with a clearer head, an  unbreakable heart, and hope.